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A recent survey revealed that 4 out of 5 women think I`m an a-hole...
I just ran 3.5 miles in 30 minutes! Ha! Just kidding, I ate some ice cream.
My personality is 30% the last movie I watched.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you`re homeless cause you`re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Broke up with my girlfriend. She was into the horoscope stuff and we weren`t compatible. I`m a libra and shes a...b!tch
Word for the day is asstard
I wish these people who sing songs on the radio would learn the words to the song, they keep messing me up!!
Babies are so cute because none of them are mine.
I`m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
I can`t wait to find my soul mate so I can start sleeping on the couch.
Are you supposed to get an email that says “HAHAHAHAHA” after signing up for Match.com?
If you don`t believe that women will actually fight over a pair of shoes, you`ve never watched The Wizard of Oz!
Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
It must suck to be an air conditioner repairman. You spend your day working in buildings that have no air conditioning. When it`s fixed and finally cool, you leave.