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I assume guys who wear their phones on the hip do so because their pockets are stuffed to the brim with condoms and girls phone numbers
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler. Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
What doesn`t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
liked homework better when it was called coloring.
I really hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Today I met one of those people on the bus that gets all pissed off when you put your finger in their mouth when they yawn.
A lot of people seem to forget their other four fingers when waving to me.
Calling all men...Eboli can live up to two months in semen..YES! You better wash your socks.
I don`t need drugs to have a good time, I need them to focus, avoid depression, endure winter, fall asleep, and controll my high blood pressure
Shouldn’t the Air and Space museum be empty?
If Reincarnation ends up being real... Those People who got "YOLO" tattoos are going to look... Pretty Silly
I mixed Taco Bell sauce into my Ramen Noodles, It tastes exactly like poverty.
.Monday: No. Tuesday: Ugh. Wednesday: Why. Thursday: Omg. Friday: Finally. Saturday: Yes. Sunday: Crying.
I’m actually a really nice guy once you get to blow me.