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Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
For the first time in my years of working I have been hard at work all day......dammm those pills!!!!
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not sharks though. Or bees. Viruses. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don’t love anything.
I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”
i just peed so hard that I laughed a little bit
I think I bought just enough fireworks to get my neighbor to move.
Today was about as much fun as a warm toilet seat in a public restroom!
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can`t flick your friends out the car window
If there is a wrong place and a wrong time, I’ll be there.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
i didn`t know i had a facebook account until now
I thought we had nothing in common until I saw you buying 3 margaritas at a time.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
I wish all my freckles would just mix into a tan.