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Nothing shuts my pie hole more than an actual pie.
There is nothing louder than a party across the street that you weren’t invited to.
Sit-ups are my favorite form of exercise because I get to lay down every few seconds.
Went down the gym and burnt 1200 calories today. I forgot to take the pizza out of the oven!
You are not stupid, I just think you have bad luck when thinking.
I finally got some medication for my Attention Deficit Disorder. Now if I could just remember the name of it and where I left it at.
If Jimmy cracked corn and no one cares, then why the heck is there a song about it?
Cheer Up. Right now, somebody, somewhere, is thinking about you naked.
How can I trust you when you keep running away every time I untie you?
With names like "Batman" and "Robin", you`d think they could fly...
“I saw that.” -Karma
Do a little dance... Drink a lot of rum... Fall down tonight...
It’s not the holiday season unless you push your body to the brink of alcoholism and diabetes.
I always ask my waitress to name everything that comes in the salad then I respond “OK perfect, I want a cheeseburger with none of that on it.”