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I just did my budget for August. If I don`t buy food ... I won`t need toilet paper. I think I`m on to something here.
I am sick of people thinking deodorant is optional.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I`m alright, but I feel like, well, like I`ve dyed a little inside.
I went to buy condoms and the cashier just said "yeah right" and put em back on the shelf
You know it´s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with.. "Are you sitting down?"
I love myself everyday. Sometimes, twice a day.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom.
this isn`t the status you`re looking for
According to new research, too much sex can cause memory loss. Finally, something that explains my ultra detailed photographic memory.
I`m sorry, we can`t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
I would unblock you but then I`d be admitting I`d made a mistake and that`s just not my thing.
There are plenty of fish in the sea ...That`s cool and all....but I`m a human.
Wonders why we can`t just all get a Long....Island Iced Tea?!?
Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it’s a beautiful day.