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So apparently the numbers on the toaster are minutes? I`ve thought for years it was degree of toasty-ness.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
I don`t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
DUI attorneys should buy some ad space on those Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Sugar` is the only word in English that starts with `su` and sounds like `sh`. I`m sure of it.
There are dozens of different flavors of ramen noodles, but they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
If you`ve ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you`ve obviously never been married.
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, I`m part of the other 3%.
The day I understand females will be the day i`ll be officially known as Jesus
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said "No, thank you"
A court date is still technically a date, right?
Then there was the ex-cop who started his own landscaping business. He called it Lawn Order.
Don`t Follow Me, I`m Lost Too
Volleyball = A more intense version of don`t let the balloon hit the floor.
Football: 22 people on the field desperately in need of rest and 75,000 in the stands desperately in need of exercise.