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Ended a relationship today. Don`t worry, it wasn`t mine.
What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?
Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous but when I tap on the window at night dressed as a clown it’s all panic and screaming.
I like surprises. Not the `finger in my a$$ without permission` kind, but flowers are always nice.
Your mobile phone has more computing power than all of NASA in 1969. NASA launched a man to the moon. ...We launch a bird into pigs!
Getting to places would be so much easier if I had a helicopter.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it`s the scientists that aren`t washing their hands?
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to `Brandy from the club` then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
I went outside once. The graphics were amazing but the gameplay and storyline were TERRIBLE.
When I was a kid, I thought quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it really is.
The best revenge is to kidnap your enemy, tie him up, then pop bubble wrap in front of him and make him watch.
I`m fairly certain that kids only have ears for decorative purposes.
Hey, did you know that in two days, tomorrow will be yesterday!
Shout out to the single lady I saw buying a bunch of Duracell batteries on Valentine`s Day.