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If I work up the courage to tell you I love you...the least you can do is introduce yourself to me dammit.
They say the camera adds 10lbs. Stop eating cameras!
I swear I just go to the strip club for the music.
I don`t eat a high fiber diet to be healthier, I eat so I`ll have to $hit more at work.
I had a Dr. appointment this morning. He asked me how many beers I drink. I held out my hand and said this one is only my 4th, I`ll call you back later with the total.
If I had a time machine I`d set it to "back in the day", just to see what everyone is talking about.
I wish "it`s the thought that counts" worked for housework.
DRINK BEER SAVE WATER..www.godrunk.com
Shout out to good looking women who date unattractive men who aren`t rich, thanks for keeping hope alive.
Who needs the weather network when you have Facebook.
I’m not shy, I’m just really good out figuring out who is not worth talking to.
I`m in my 30`s, but I still feel like I`m in my 20`s until I hang out with people in their 20`s and I`m like, "nope, I`m in my 30`s"
Warning: forgetting what pocket your keys are in may result in the Macarena.
There’s a reason why “sober” and “so bored” sound almost exactly the same.
If you`re crazy and you know it shake your meds...