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My first career was working as a Ventriloquist on a Radio Program, I got let go when people kept calling in to say my lips were moving.........
I used to work at a fire hydrant factory. I couldn`t park anywhere near the place
I`m 5`5" and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
It`s tough being a people person when you can`t stand most people.
just realised SATURDAY has the word TURD in it
Irony: Asking God to help you on a science exam.
I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don`t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid`s vomit.
The best two kinds of beer in this world are....Cold & Free..
Can`t we all just hit a bong?
I don`t even know why chicks spend so much time and money on their hair when all guys look at is their tits.
I have an eating disorder; I`m about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, and dis order of nuggets.
7.1 billion people in the world. 0 willing to lower their standards and date me.
I`d love to drown my problems... I just can`t get my spouse to go swimming!
If you think buying condoms is awkward, you should try returning them.
I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.