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Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
If you`ve never played Tetris, you`re probably useless at loading a dishwasher
How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
I need coffee in my life more than I need most people.
I often wonder how things worked out for that guy who grabbed the bull by the horns.
He was like, `We`re all slowly dying` So I was like, `WRONG` and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Don`t tell me I look tired unless you`re offering to carry me
Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they say "to boldly go where no one has gone before", when they get there, they always meet someone?
First comes love, then comes marriage. Then comes not making any decisions and feeling guilty about asking for blowjobs.
You know that awkward moment when you thought someone`s talking to you so you reply to them , then they look at you weird .
You know a guy likes you when his pants give you a thumbs up ;)
"Has anybody ever seen a chicken fly? No? Good, there`s nothing wrong with ya"
I wish there was a room where we could go and see all the stuff we have ever lost.
I`m a nonviolent person until I see a spider. Then I turn into Al Capone and "I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to the GROUND!
I want to take this moment to thank the depends adult diaper company for allowing me to play my video game for a strait 8 hours uninterupted...