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If you`ve never played Tetris, you`re probably useless at loading a dishwasher
Are you reading this from a toilet? I’m writing this from one.
Ladies, how do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket? Quick, she`s coming.
Some idiots actually sold their homes and properties thinking the world was really going to end! What losers. I hope my boss gives me my job back on Monday
You call them “cuss words.” I choose to call them “sentence enhancers.”
Turns out if you fake your death every monday work catches on.
It`s amazing how many pedestrians confuse right-of-way with immortality.
Jehovah`s witnesses would probably be welcomed into more houses if they brought booze or cookies.
That first kiss in the morning is so special, and the dog enjoys it too.
YouTube is so addicting, I click on a music video and next thing you know I`m watching how to make ice cream.
Best thing to do when you`re stuck in a group text is to to throw your phone in the street and start a new life and maybe get some chipotle
Just seen this girl walk into a lamp post! I could have stopped her but that wouldn`t have been funny would it
Life should be more like Hockey. If somebody pisses you off, you beat the sh!t out of them, then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes
Don`t let anyone call you an "underachiever". If they knew you, they`d know how amazing it is that you`ve managed to accomplish anything.
Do you like the strong, silent type? Then you`ll love my farts.