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I love my toilet. We`ve been through alot of sh!t together.
Did you know that if you put a finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Pacman.
*breaking news music plays* Last thought of the night: Why is now everyone talkin` bout "twerkin`"? Man, that shyt been `round since the days of Hammer pants and spandex shorts!!!!
It would be cool if you heard a thunder bug a few seconds after you saw a lightning bug.
The package says "Do not eat raw cookie dough" but all I really see is "Pillsbury hates you and doesn`t want you to be happy."
I refuse to jump on the `I hate Mondays` bandwagon. I hate all workdays equally
The hardest part about being humble is not telling people how much better I am than they are.
The only thing I ever throwback on Thursdays are drinks
Staring longingly at the door works for my dog, but I tried it at work and no one let me out. :(
Me: You’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you’re smart too, I like that.
People are like dogs: There`s always someone who loves you for you and there`s someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Welcome to the obesessive-compulsive hotline... please press 1 repeatedly.
How Big is Infinity?
It`s always best to fart when there`s a baby on the bus. They always get the blame.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned. She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.