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My greatest fear is that I will accidentally use the status update bar as the search bar on my browser.
I don`t play sports, the only sport I play is shopping. But there`s a lot of walking involved in that. Running sometimes if there`s a sale.
I would watch tennis more often if they replaced the ball boys with untrained golden retrievers.
When I come home 4 the holidays I throw $40 on the table & say "Look we`re keeping the thermostat at 75, and we`re turning on some lights."
Aren`t you too fat to be this rude?
Who`s up for some curling in my driveway?
Pizza gal reads my order back to me and says,"You have one large thick sausage, anything else?" With a smirk I reply,"Yes, I`d also like to order a pizza."
Shopping for bridesmaid dresses with 5 other women, today. If you never hear from me again, I committed suicide by nail file.
90% of the apps on my phone don’t do anything except send me notices that there’s a new version of itself.
Just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.
Trust me , as you get to know me , i just get weirder.
you know it`s a good fart when it wakes you from a dead sleep and you pull a butt muscle at the same time.
People born in 1994-1999 have lived in three decades, two centuries, and two millenniums. & they are not even 18 yet.
I wish I could pick which brain cells the alcohol kills....There`s ALOT of crap I wish I could forget about.....
One way to find out if you`re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you`re young, if they panic, you`re old.