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Wow!!, What a day..I volunteered at a soup kitchen, mowed my lawn, went to 2 Birthday parties, ran 6 miles, then told a bunch of lies on Facebook.
Does anyone have the recipe for ice cubes? Asking for a friend.
Some marriages end up fine, the others last forever.
I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.
I don’t necessarily enjoy being the bad influence…but hey, somebody has to do it!
Tattoos are an expensive and a painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I`m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.
Remember when the scariest thing we had to deal with was computers forgetting what year it was
If I was famous I would just knock on peoples doors and be like ... Hello, yes it`s me.
I’m in big trouble if my coworkers find out that I really don’t have Tourette’s
I don`t get my neighbor. tells me to make my self at home but then gets pissed off when they come into the kitchen and I`m in my underwear making a sandwich.
You know what’s funny? Lots of sh!t so lighten the f*ck up.
Dear iPhone, Please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Dear karma, I have a list of people you missed.