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The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Not sure why my wife is only mad at me, our 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
I don`t have friends, I have acquaintances and parasites.
Unless you discovered a dead body, I don`t want to hear about your morning jog.
My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.
Bring a CD into my car that I "have to hear" and I`ll figure out a way to deploy the passenger side airbags
Royal baby was born at 8 pounds. Thats like 12 dollars.
As an adult, Iām not eating nearly as much ice cream as 10 year old me thought I would.
You know you`re desperate for an answer when you look on the second page of Google.
You are not a "Food Blogger", you`re a "Fat a$$ with a laptop"
Please ignore this status, I am standing alone and I don`t want to seem like a total loner, so I am making it look like I am texting
My therapist told me I`m nuts. I said "I wanted a second opinion." She said "Well ok, you`re ugly too."
I surveyed 100 women on what shampoo they prefer while showering 95% said How the hell did you get in here!!!
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Ain`t no sandwich when she`s gone.