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I`m sticking to my guns ... I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
I don`t really work, I just kinda stand around and be awesome.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in?
Don´t worry ... It only seems kinky the first time.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he`ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
I hate those new parents who do the `baby talking`, yes I do, yes I do...
Unless your kids fundraiser is selling whisley, I`m not really interested
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
When Life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide.
“We don`t lick people!” - Lies adults tell kids
If you aren`t sure if you like someone, here`s a test: imagine they`re dead. Now, was it an accident or did you murder them?
If turning alcohol into bad decisions ever becomes an Olympic event, I`m bringin` home the Gold! USA! USA!
You can get super human strength when put in life or death situations. Last night I uncorked a bottle of wine with my teeth during a tantrum...
i just fell off a 20ft ladder.. good thing I was on the first step.