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Pornography only gets called by its full name when it`s in trouble too.
Any girl is a stripper if you wait outside her window long enough
My wife and I are dieting now… and by dieting, I mean we’re not telling each other about the junk food we eat.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk while it´s still snowing
Facebook prank #23 Go in everynight and change your birthday to the next day...then see how long it takes for people to catch on....
I`m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out I`ll pop open the red and drink that.
Laughter is the best medicine (that my insurance is willing to cover)
What if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs?
When you are dead, you don’t know you are dead but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
Cars should come with two horns: one that’s like “Hey guys!” & another that’s like “I will end you!”
I make self-sabotage look like an art form.
Drink coffee! ... Do stupid things faster with more energy.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
If your parachute doesn`t deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it.