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Ah Friday my second favorite F Word
If I was a mortician I`d tie the shoe laces of dead people together, so if there ever was a zombie apocalypse it would be hilarious.
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until ALL the birds have gone South for the Winter.
My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can`t help but think that my days around here are numbered...
I don`t have mistletoe this year, so we`ll just have to kiss under the influence.
Pool party at my house, bring ur own pool..
I couldn’t believe it yesterday, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn’t actually mine. She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school…
I went to McDonalds, put 5 dollars on the counter and said "Surprise me". Because I never get what I ask for anyway!
Was the little pig who built his house out of straw some sort of idiot?
People are obsessed with the front seat of the car but when you get in a bus, you go straight to the back
I`ve been baptized five times this week in five different churches. I wish the landlord would hurry up and fix my shower.
My relationship is like an iPhone, I don`t have an iPhone.
I`m one of the nicest a$$holes you could ever hope to meet.
I`m in no shape to exercise patience!
You know you’re a mom, when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.