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Here is your New Years Resolution. All of that stupid sh!t you did last year? Don’t do that crap this year. Done. You’re welcome.
Waitress: "Hi, my nam-" Me: "Vodka martini, please."
You should probably first master the art of thinking “inside” the box
"This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall." - Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Boss: You`re on another break already? Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago.
Back in my day, we didn’t have computers or the internet. Everyone had to walk uphill for days to tell me I’m an a$$hole.
My favorite hobbies are practical jokes and masturbation. I’m always trying to pull a fast one
Just saw a homeless guy sleeping in a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. It must be his alarm system.
I can`t wait for Taylor Swift to break up with a black guy, so she can write a rap album!
Magician: Now I will cut the woman in half. Me: Why turn one problem into two?
People born in 1994-1999 have lived in three decades, two centuries, and two millenniums. & they are not even 18 yet.
Today`s the day I like to sneak onto the intercom at Walmart and say "would Jason Voorhees please report to aisle 13."
I put the whiskey in another room ... Exercise regimen established.
My sex life is just like my typing skills. One handed.
The best part about growing old with you is that I`ll always be the younger one.