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Some relationships are like fat people, they don`t Workout!!
Urban Dictionary has saved me from asking so many awkward questions.
I`ve been knocking for ten minutes. Don`t people answer their bathroom windows anymore?
When my dog sniffs another dog`s poop I can only assume that it`s their equivalent to checking a friend`s facebook page.
"Wow, that Hungry Man TV dinner sure lives up to its name!" said no hungry man ever.
I’m drinking because you’re talking.
I ran into my ex the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
The last time I saw something as ugly as your face I pinned a tail on it.
I`m thinking about starting a vegetarian dance club... I`m going to call it "lettuce turnip the beets". What do you think?
Don`t be sad, laundry. Nobody is doing me either.
Some of my friendships are bad for my liver.
I`m thinking about remodeling my bathroom and thanks to all your selfies I`m getting some great ideas!!.....
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Social Media: Because I like to socialize with cool people without having to speak, wear pants or get off the couch.
My family tree is a cactus, we`re all pricks.