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I hate when my girlfriend accuses me of something I didn`t think she knew about.
String cheese is the sexiest of the cheeses. It’s like you get to undress it.
Sarcasm and orgasm. Two things most people don`t get. Those who do are smiling right now.
It should cost $10 to leave someone a voicemail.
DATING TIP: never reveal how many cats you have.
They say `No news is good news,` but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
I made a salad with red wine vinaigrette only I left out the vinegar and the oil and ok it`s just lettuce with wine all over it. Anyhoo, I`m drunk.
Behind that fat girl is a beautiful woman...No seriously, she`s in the way.
Whenever someone says to me “Things could be worse” I punch them in the face and say “Like that?”
The only time I listen to a woman giving directions is when I use my GPS.
Stop picking on Justin Bieber. That`s somebody`s daughter.
Never be mean to nerds. You never know, one day you might be working for them!
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I`m trying to do that & you`re lowering my chances.
Redneck`s famous last words: "Is that enough duck tape?"