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I swear my cat was an alarm clock in a previous life...
Whenever a little kid asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there are children his age in China making iPhones.
Everyone wants you to "be honest" until you tell them how much they suck.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
My girlfriend wants to get married. I hope she finds someone nice.
It`s not you, it`s me. I just don`t like myself when I`m around you.
Maybe, just once, someone will call me "Sir" without adding, "You`re making a scene."
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down post at night, so far I have: Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
I never run with scissors…those last two words were unnecessary.
Okay, enough procrastination. Time for excuses.
The roof of the McDonalds in my town has 38 Pickle slices on it from times I ordered sh!t without pickles in it.
Do you ever look through old pictures and wonder, “Where the hell did that shirt go?”
Based on my reaction to toast popping out of a toaster, I’d like to recommend you never throw me a surprise party.
I read that India launched a rocket to Mars the other day. That seems like a strange place to put a call center?