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"i wasn`t that drunk"..Dude!you tied me to a chair and bitch-slapped me,yelling "where`s Harry Potter!!"
I wake up every morning with the joy & excitement of wanting to go directly back to sleep.
I`m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign And before that ... we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that sh!t.
You ever notice that the most dangerous thing about marijuana is getting caught with it?
How long do I have to wear these skinny jeans before they start working?
My greatest talent is being able to watch 5 years worth of a TV shows in one week.
I did not trip...the floor looked like it needed a hug.
Don’t judge someone because they sin differently than you.
I wonder what I did in a previous life to get reincarnated as me...
The number one reason why trick or treating is better than sex is, you can do the whole neighborhood.
My online dating profile is just a picture of my ex-wife and the words "NOT THIS."
My girlfriend asked me to send some dirty pics. So I sent her a picture of my sink full of dishes. :)
Somebody told me I`m horrible with names.
I try not to brag but I`m really quite good at Yoga. I`m not flexible or anything but I am a master of that "Empty Your Mind" part
"Someday, your phone will cost more than your computer" - said no one ever.