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It`s impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused food, drinks. He spat and swore at anyone who came near him and started throwing things everywhere. After that we NEVER played monopoly again.
I don’t really forgive people I just pretend like it`s okay and wait for my opportunity to destroy them.
Why does life keep teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn?
My new workout video is 20 minutes of me vacuuming over the same piece of string instead of picking it up.
As long as there is an open textbook in front of you, nobody will question what you are doing on your laptop.
You know it´s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with.. "Are you sitting down?"
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
Remember the good ole days when we had to get out of bed to use the Internet.
When I was younger I thought I was bipolar. Turns out I was just an a$$hole who was happy about it.
Although tequila is highly toxic, it can be used to dissolve the friend zone.
"Never pick a fight with an ugly person. They`ve got nothing to lose." -Robin Williams
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I´m typing this with my middle finger.
Everyone please stop doing crimes because sirens are too noisy.
I bought a screwdriver bit for my electric drill. It`s useful for converting ordinary phillips screws into non removable screws.