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Note to Denver Broncos: Marijuana is NOT a performance enhancing drug!
I will never be to old to laugh when somone farts in a public bathroom peeing..
I love slip on shoes because you can slip them off just as easy to hit stupid people with them.
Things I use duct tape for, by percentage: Pranks: 35% Car repair: 35% Wrapping presents: 20% Medical emergencies: 10% Ducts: 0%
I put a pair of boots in the bathroom stall at work so nobody else will use the stall that I like to use.
The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven`t seen for half an hour.
WikiHow suggested 9 Ways to Celebrate Earth Day.... I did all by ?#? SLEEPING?the whole day! How???? I smoked less, used water/power less etc. Wikiwikiwiki!!!!!
When I think of all the money I’ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!
Day six of my push-up challenge. So far, I`ve eaten 107 push-up pops.
Some people just bring out the psycho in me
Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there`s an idiot pulling a door that says "PUSH"..
Roses are red, violets are blue, the boss snuck out early, so I left too.
I wasn`t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I really feel about you!
Dear iPhone, Please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
If you kept one of those jars where I`d have to put in a quarter every time I swore, you would be a billionaire by the end of the week.