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What if animals all speak a universal language, and we’re the odd ones out???
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you have incriminating evidence.
I can`t fall asleep because I am too excited for Christmas
Judging from the bar receipts, ATM withdraws, hand stamps, and the glitter in my car, I now realize I`m a ball of fun when I black out.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
I`m like the toughest guy in this comic book store.
It’s amazing how everyone cries for free speech until someone says something that they don’t like.
Trying to untwist a twizzler is a real b*tch and this gas station cashier yelling at me isn`t helping.
That one day of fame on Facebook because it`s your birthday.
Nothing says "I`ve already given up on this day" quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.
I`m sleeping in tell Friday so ... Happy Tuesday.
If you watched the story of my life backwards, you`d see an incredibly inspirational story about hair growth, weight loss, and vastly improved athletic ability.
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever...
It takes me like three days to wake up in the morning.
They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. It`s true... The less I see of someone, the more I like them!