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Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
On my tombstone I want it to say: ‘I didn’t forward the text message to 15 friends.” ;)
Only 273 fruit roll-ups to go until I get my full serving of fruit...
Never, ever ask a woman if she`s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
I’m what you would call “indoorsy”
"And then I rented a monster truck and drove it through their f*cking house!" - How all my stories would end if I was a billionaire.
It`s funny to watch all these people Bumping Up their own posts.
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don`t have iPhone. 2) I don`t have a girlfriend.
Every load of laundry that I wash, dry, fold, and put away makes nudists seem less crazy.
I need an emoticon that’s stabbing another emoticon in the eye with a pen while repeatedly punching it in its little emoticon balls.
I`m leaving my body to science because even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
I was only 6 numbers away from winning the powerball.
So bored at work I can`t even think of something to goggle
I’m posing nude for an art class this evening. Nobody asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.