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I need a keyboard shortcut for "sorry it`s taken me so long to reply to your text..."
She asked me for time and distance. I guess she wants to calculate velocity.
Person: You`re blocking the view. Me: B!tch, I am the view!
My internet goes out more than I do.
My wife was afraid of the dark......then she saw me naked.........now she is afraid of the light.
I farted on my wallet. Now I have gas money
If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.
I`m pretty sure by now “lazy” is just part of my personality description.
I was stood in front of the mirror last night, admiring my six pack. Then it occurred to me, why the f*ck am I not drinking it?
i only drink on days that end with y
Best Pregnancy T-Shirt… “9 Months Sober”
Friends don’t let friends twerk.
I just sent out my daily text to a random number saying "I hit Zack with my truck. I`m going to need to use your hacksaw to cut him up.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
I rather read the software license agreement for my computer than some peoples Facebook status drama on my newfeeds