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I don`t like surprises so, I never open my Electric Bill or my Bank Statement.
I accidentally wore green today. And I probably will be drunk later but NOT because it`s St. Patrick`s Day, because it`s Monday.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes...
The thing about smart mother f*ckers is... They sound like crazy mother f*ckers to dumb mother f*ckers!
Based on how many times I`ve dropped my phone, I`m gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.
Don’t be upset that you’re single; be happy that someone isn’t ruining your life.
I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can`t figure out who`s going to do it.
The best way to make a bad day better is by adding alcohol.
May all of us be as good looking/ beautiful as we look on our FB profile pic..
I am not sure why a guy getting trapped in a vagina sculpture is big news...men have been trapped by vaginas for many years.
Don`t apologize because you haven`t posted in a while. No one cared.
All I want is to see you smile...that and maybe a pizza.
Men wear the pants in the relationship but women control the zipper.
Santa gets all the credit and I get all the debt.
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me...