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I don`t get offered drugs nearly as often as D.A.R.E. said I would.
Ladys have it easy, if they ever do start to loose an argument they can just start playing with their boobs
"Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I`M ASKING THEM"
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing
I just got off the couch and I think I accidentally did yoga or some $hit.
Must you really ask why I have my selfie on top of my Christmas tree?
ah... Crocs the 21st century version of the chastity belt
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that sh!t.
My favorite breed of dog? Good question, thanks for asking. Either a corndog or a hotdog.
Job interview `What is your biggest weakness?` `Honesty` `I don`t think honesty is a weakness` `I don`t give a flying *#(@ what you think!`
Why do people say ``I saw it with my own eyes." Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
The number of red lights you will hit while driving are directly proportional to how bad you have to pee.
Nothing says love like hearing a toilet flush on the other end of the phone.
Thanks to Netflix I can tell my doctor I`ve done a lot of "marathons"
Honestly, I have no idea what I would even do with 5 hours of energy.