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I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication
This empty wallet looks like I`ll be laughing obnoxiously at some guy`s awful jokes in a bar tonight.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We`ll see about that.
I`d rather have my arms fall off than make two trips carrying in groceries.
I`m pretty sure by now “lazy” is just part of my personality description.
Alcohol goes in ... Happiness comes out.
Does "Can I take your order?" sometimes mean "Let`s start a new life together" or am I reading too much into this?
Life..it`s just an `F` in lie....
Presidents’ Day is just another made up holiday to sell more presidents
If I share something clever and witty on Facebook, don’t try and out clever me with your comment. I don’t come over and blow out your candles on your cake.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I`m going to get tonight.
Relationship status: sleeping in my bed diagonally.
Dear Car driving 40mph on the highway this morning. It`s only a 1/4“ of snow plus you have a "Jesus Fish" on your bumper. You`ll be just fine.
The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this “I know your high” look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got out of there.
I automatically assume you`re fat if your Facebook picture is a car