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Women don`t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think.
On my tombstone I want it to say: ‘I didn’t forward the text message to 15 friends.” ;)
I am actually impressed by what Lance Armstrong has done. When I was on drugs, I couldn`t even find my bike!
I always keep a spare pair of shoes at work that I change into so people don`t know it`s me when I`m taking a dump.
Sometimes I get up really early, drink some coffee and read some awesome motivational quotes. Then I go back to bed.
We all have that friend who acts innocent but understands all the dirty jokes.
Which one of you is Moderation? I keep getting told we need to drink together.
The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren`t going to see me 7 more times before then.
I bet if there were little basketball hoops above every garbage can, littering would greatly decrease.
Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."
I hope this coffee gives me the energy to look busy all day.
I`d like to give you a big thumb`s-up. But I`m afraid that would be the wrong finger.
With all the new car technology you would think someone could invent a side mirror that could show where an object actually appears.
If I had a crystal ball to see 5 years in the future, I would have 2020 vision.
The real fountain of youth is to have a dirty mind and a naughty smile.