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You’re going to make some cats very happy one day.
Why isn`t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Men, if a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34C
Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn`t leave much room. It`s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Well aren`t you a f*cking waste of two billion years of evolution.
I swear... my remote just decides to take random vacations sometimes.
I hear boomerangs are making a comeback.
It`s always nice to be called Pretty in the morning. So what if he was hiding behind the trash wearing no pants.
Hey, sorry I missed your call. I saw your name on the caller ID and I didn’t want to ruin my day by talking to you.
This status update contains many of the same words that appear on Pulitzer Prize winning novels.
The number of red lights you will hit while driving are directly proportional to how bad you have to pee.
Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus…and he punches wolves. Why would you kidnap his family?
You can’t run from your problems forever. Eventually, you’ll have to take a car or a plane to really avoid them.