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Let´s drink tequila till you don´t remember what I suggest next..
Someone once said that I should always treat other people how I would like to be treated. Now I`m facing sexual harassment charges.
Sometimes I`ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I`ll be like, "oh no, that can`t be right."
If I am home alone, there`s a 99% chance I`m naked.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement. -Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90`s TV
You`d think he`d be better at this with all the porn he watches
I hate when I walk into the kitchen for food and only find ingredients.
I used to think i was good at multi-tasking. Turns out its just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.
Burned almost a thousand calories with the elliptical machine today. Moved it into the basement, that thing is heavy!
?”Nobody listens to me….” – Yellow traffic light
Why don`t the post office get the Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail on Saturday? Work smarter not harder people.
Time to walk the cow and milk the dog, Happy Hump Day!
What’s the difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny?
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, "Yes, we`ve met before." So they feel awkward trying to remember me
I once met a guy who was addicted to huffing brake fluid. He said he could stop any time.