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I`ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn`t just put the dots in the shape of the actual letters.
If someone says you used too much butter or cheese on something, stop talking to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity
Your license plate should be your phone number... So when you drive like a dumbass, I can let you know about it.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
I`m sorry but sh!ts and giggles don`t sound like things I want to have happen at the same time.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that`s your ghost outfit forever.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.
Wouldn`t it be great to revive the old "Mutual Of Omaha`s Wild Kingdom" show, but with a new setting? Like a WalMart Store in Kentucky?
My bank called because they noticed ‘highly suspicious activity’ on my charge account. It was for a gym membership.
Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let`s just keep it in the carton, ok?
Marriage counseling - because sometimes your spouse needs to hear from a professional that they are being an a$$
If you`ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven... then you`ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
I`ll never need a shrink as long as my wife keeps pointing out whats wrong with me...