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It’s hard to get a lot done when you’re busy having a snack every 15 minutes
From now on when skinny girls say they`re fat I`m just gonna be like, "Yup" & walk away.
I like to reply to late night snapchat selfies with "what the f*&% is that behind you?!" just because I know the sender has no way to review the photo and will spend the rest of their night scared out of their minds.
When it comes to tantrums, I throw like a girl.
Raising teenagers is easy, they sleep 16 hours day, eat the other 8, and the only word in their vocab is "ok"
If I can see you, you`re invading my personal space.
I just spent an hour at the gym. I couldn’t find a close enough parking spot so I left.
Do you think Santa regrets giving all those bad kids coal now that global warming is threatening his home?
I`m convinced that homeless people have all the shopping carts with 4 good wheels.
The girl on the flyer is never at the club.
There is only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water lying about being milk.
“I’m not washing it, I’m just gonna shove it in a pony.” If you’re a girl, that sentence is actually ok.
I`m Not Perfect. Your Not Perfect. But Together We Can Be a Perfect Sense of Humor LOL!
Good news everyone – my proctologist called and all the tests were negative. Bad news - his ring is missing...
Just because she weighed as much as two women doesn`t mean you had a threesome