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It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.
I’m glad you’re learning to laugh at yourself. That was kind of getting awkward for the rest of us.
I just got kicked out of the Zoo! How was I supposed to know that real hippos don`t actually eat marbles?
Why would anybody put 99 bottles of beer up on a wall in the first place?
I am the undefeated champion of this”smooshing-down-the-garbage-so-I-don’t-have-to-take-it-out-for-another-day” game.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
If your cup is only half full, you probably need a smaller bra.
Worrying: a waste of imagination.
I simply haven’t seen enough solid evidence that suggests not drinking is better than drinking.
There are a lot of side effects to smoking weed. Like never shutting up about the fact that you smoke weed.
You`re not living life right if you don`t get just a little bit nervous every time you hear a police siren.
Please don`t make me choose between you and porn.
Tips for Guys on Valentine`s Day: Tell your girl you already got something and make her guess. She`ll automatically list things she wants.
Calling out your ex`s name during sex is a nice way to show your current lover that you won`t forget them after you break up.
When there is nothing to do ... That`s what I do