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I`m not upset because it`s Monday, I`m upset because I have to wear pants
Today I saw a baby with a bib that said `This dumbass put my cape on backwards.`
I told the monster in my closet that coming out of of there would make him gay, haha problem solved ....
We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.
Aren`t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know...The birth of Santa
One time I snuck a whole rotisserie chicken into a movie, cause candy is for amateurs.
Plastic Surgery is Photoshop for people who go outside.
Often think if I`d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Would you mind going with me to my next Psychologist appointment? He thinks I`m making you up.
Hope you get down and funky on this the day of your birth!!
There should be an "oh my god, shut up already" button.
Onion rings are vegetables. And the Large size counts as two servings.
Just when you think someone couldn`t be any more annoying I test your theory.
I`m going to become a hermit as soon as I find a cave with a decent wifi connection.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, you should try returning them.