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Life is what happens when your cell phone is charging.
We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like: “Well I’m bored, let’s go brush our teeth.”
After committing a crime, always carry a fire extinguisher. No one gets stopped while running with a fire extinguisher.
I`m out of bacon. This is my suicide note.
Scientist Proved That There are more Than 124786534688644478 People Living In This world who are Too Lazy To Read The Above Number...!!!
Girl says to her Blonde friend, I slept with a Brazilian man last night. The Blonde replies: OMG you SLUT! How many is a Brazilian??
LSD makes users lose weight` That makes sense, it`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.
Time to clean the house. Good thing I took that delegation class at work and I have 2 kids. This is going to be fun
My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I text a lot.
A small child called 911 upon seeing a zebra because he thought a horse escaped from jail
You`re the reason I wake up everyday. Just kidding I have a job.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
There`s a Bullying Support Group meeting, tomorrow night at 8 ... You`d better f*cking be there.
I’m in a rush to go home and do absolutely nothing.
I really have to stop using this little microphone on my phone that types whatever you say as it keeps making mistakes punctuation point