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One man`s sarcastic answer, is another man`s stupid question
I just found out cock fighting is done with roosters and now it feels like this 6 months of training has been wasted.
I hate when I text a girl "I love you" and she`s like "no you don`t." Like bitch, I just fapped to your profile picture, I think I`d know.
I just saw a gang of really drunk mosquitoes leave my arm and high-five each other. Weird.
Shout out to old people for graduating high school without Google.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents job.
If its the thought that counts, then I`ve banged so many hot chicks.
Since It`s summer here`s a little advice, best way to beat the heat is to wear a San Antonio Spurs jersey
I don`t know why I think I could survive the Zombie Apocalypse, I cant even handle the puff of air at the eye doctor.
The best part of my divorce was how I woke up and I hadn`t done anything wrong
I’ve finally decided to do something about my weight ... Lie.
This strip mall certainly is misleading And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
My wife wrote an email to me saying she was concerned that we have communications issues. I immediately sent an IM asking her to clarify. She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we’re not as connected as she’d like. I tweeted her that I love her more than anything. She texted me that she loves me too and sent me a poem on Pinterest explaining how tired she was after a long day of work leading to her email. So I leaned over and kissed her good night.
Why has no one invented a button next to snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
My sex life is just like my typing skills. One handed.