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I always get naked before I get in bed so I don`t know why this lady at Sears is giving me a dirty look in the mattress section.
Accidentally bought a bag of raw almonds. Turns out I don`t like almonds, I like salt.
Weird when someone vanishes from your Facebook feed for 3 years then suddenly reemerges with the results of a "Which Muppet Are You?" quiz.
If anyone every texts me "who is this" I always respond "Jake from State Farm"
This complimentary lemonade at the doctor`s office tastes funny.
Instead of exes, they should be called whys.
I have a life, I have the best life in the world. Oh wait sitting around watching Netflix and eating pizza rolls isn`t a life. I guess i was wrong then. :( bummer
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never aging is wearing the same clothes every day.
Are security guards at Samsung stores called Guardians of the Galaxy?
If kids are so wonderful why do you have to pay people to watch them?
Why are clothes so expensive? I shouldn`t have to pay so much to not be naked. Other people should pay me not to be naked.
Missed connection: I was a 15 year old boy, you were 1984 Madonna.
Life is like a teenager`s p@nis. some are short, some are long, but it is always hard.
My stove top knob reads, LO | 2 | 4 | 6 | 8 | 10 | HI......so what is Med-High, Medium Low?...They just need to lay it out for me in numbers! Like "set stove top to 8." no wait, 9.? Food manufacturerers and stove manufactuerers need to get toghether on this! So let me see,..... (me thinking)....if ten is high...5 is medium that means 7.5..... WAIT!.....low would be 0 so HI would be 12???....WTF!!! forget about simmer!........HEY KIDS! WHO WANTS PIZZA!
I always write `wake up` on my to-do-list so I can at least accomplish one thing a day