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People like you are the reason why the middle finger was invented
I`ve tried several times, but I can`t pet a cat without plotting world domination.
Instead of torturing people for getting information, why don’t they just get them really drunk?
Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
Miracle Whip is a bit of an exaggeration if you ask me.
Would you like to donate $1 to this charity or leave the checkout line feeling like human scum?
Those who stir the sh*t-pot should be made to lick the spoon!
Just stepped outside, closed my eyes, took a deep breathe of fresh air, sipped a Dew. What a perfect morning, what could go wrong? Crap I forgot 2 put pants on!
I had no plans on looking sexy today, but sh!t happens.
How crazy is it that we used to say "three and a half inch floppy" with a straight face
Checked my bank balance at the ATM and was happy to see I had 707 dollars in it until I realized I was holding the receipt upside down and it said LOL instead.
1, 2 Freddie´s coming for u 3, 4 better lock the door 5, 6 grab your crucifix 7, 8 gotta say up late 9, 10 never sleep again
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
When I bang my toe against something it`s like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know
I know my limits. I don’t pay any attention to them, but I know them