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ALCOHOL - Because no good story ever started with someone drinking a glass of orange juice.
The good thing about Facebook is if someone gets on your nerves enough, you can make them cease to exist in your world and you don`t even have to hide a body.
Sometimes, late at night in the market..i switch up all the color tubes in the hair dye kits.
Times change When I was a kid, werewolves and vampires were very scary. Now everyone wants to have sex with them
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
I spend the first half of work fantasizing about all the different places I could go for lunch.
Let`s be honest, Dos Equis. After a bunch of ANY beer, what guy DOESN`T think he`s the most interesting man in the world?
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the bitch that they claim I am.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up and play dead and they usually leave you alone.
It’s been “one of those days” for like 3 years now.
If you still can read this, please inform me ASAP because I have probably blocked the wrong person!
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says "Text Me"
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned. She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
No one should be surprised that so many statuses are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Facebook by making good life decisions.
Her: Do you want to run away with me? ME: We won`t actually be running, right?