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I`m more confused than a valet parking attendant at a Mary Kay convention.
I woke up this morning with a glass of water on my bedside table with a note saying “for hungover me” I drank it and it was vodka. Drunk me can be such an asshole!
The trouble with going out in the cold at my age is by the time I get all bundled up, I’ve forgotten where I was going.
Why does everybody call it a "hot water heater?" It`s really a cold water heater.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why is this dude chatting with Jake from State Farm at three in the morning anyhow?
What if God is a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I`ll never hear the end of it.
Just realized I have more in common with Garfield than I have with most people
I automatically classify anything over $5 as expensive.
Currently under the influence of cold and flu medicine...my actions can not be held against me!
There would be a lot less people willing to run for public office if the losers were required to pick up all the lawn signs afterwards.
My Life Alert bracelet says.....: I`m Just Napping
Dear Vegetarians, Thanks for saving the good food for us.
I`m only gonna have one beer. At a time. Until all the beer is gone.
For just once in my life I want my phone to ring and for someone on the other end to ask if I`m on a `secure line`