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Honk if you are reading this.
It`s so cold out, I just seen a woman in 2 pairs of pajamas at Walmart...
Yesterday I had to screw in a light bulb . Later, I crossed a road and walked into a bar. My life is a joke.
I keep myself in good enough shape to outrun most women and children during emergencies.
FACT: Candy corn is made out of melted down traffic cones.
I need to stop making things more complicated than they need to be. I`m adding that to my bucket Power Point presentation.
As your best friend, I swear to always pretend to be your lesbian lover when you are getting hit on by an ulgy ass hole in a bar.
Today is the first day of the rest of my Vodka.
That awkward moment when Adele finds someone like me
You can save a lot of money by walking face-first into a spiderweb every morning instead of buying coffee.
If you ever hit rock bottom, bring some beer. I`m almost out.
You don`t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things, like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I`m in.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just once, I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f*ck..."