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You feel naked without your phone, I feel naked without my clothes.
I made a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number one: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes? Hurt like hell.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it`s a website to find love. So I was close.
Pornography only gets called by its full name when it`s in trouble too.
Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask "which country?"
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver
"I`m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money." -my brain
My life is a movie. One of those movies where most of the people start leaving right in the middle of it.
"Three blind mice" is probably the most popular nursery rhyme about animal cruelty
One of my favorite discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.
If you answer the phone and say "Hello, you`re on the air." most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
The only part I like about doing laundry is saying I`ve got a big load
A lot of people seem to forget their other four fingers when waving to me.
Insomnia improves your math skills. You spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you "fall asleep right now".
Whoever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard.