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Nothing says "I mean business" like bringing a shopping cart to the liquor store.
These ramen noodles taste like payday is next Friday.
I can`t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone’s battery.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors and all of them got laid.
I just realized there are more toes in the world than people
Hardest question in a relationship, "What do you feel like eating?"
In my porno they`d deliver the pizza after they had sex because otherwise it`d just get cold.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
I like wearing glasses because I like to dramatically remove them before I say something profound. Doing that with contacts doesn`t have the same effect.
I don`t even know why chicks spend so much time and money on their hair when all guys look at is their tits.
I started drinking a little early. Yesterday, to be more precise.
So apparently airport security doesn`t like it when you call shotgun before boarding a plane.
Do you ever get the feeling that you`re being watched? Because if it`s bothering you, I`ll stop.
A quiet man, is a thinking man. A quiet woman, is usually mad.