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If I had a time machine, I’d probably just use it so I wouldn’t have to throw out so many bananas.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
I`m thankful for many things, but mostly that there were no camera phones when I was in high school.
"That`s crazy" is the perfect response when you haven`t been listening.
I don`t really want to make bad choices; but I`m always late, and all the good choices are already taken..
When you`re out & your cell battery is low: 1) lower screen brightness 2) turn off WiFi 3) crawl under table 4) weep softly til help arrives
Tenderizing the meat sounds a lot sexier than it is
I don`t always say `oops`, but when I do, it`s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Sorry I said "Better you than me" when you showed me your baby.
Dear God, thank you for all the animals, and plants, and insects, but were spiders really necessary?
Lord please give me the strength not to go all Dexter on this mother f%#*er ... Amen
When my girlfriend texted me "I`m enjoying 5 guys in bed" I was quite surprised to arrive and find no hamburgers
When asked how I take my coffee, I reply with, "Seriously. Very seriously."
I don’t drink to forget about problems. I drink to create new problems that that make the old issues irrelevant.
My reaction to stepping in dog sh!t is identical to me logging onto Facebook