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It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quit, cause nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, The Darlins, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara. The only one married was Otis, and he stayed drunk!
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
One of the most important things in life is perserverance. Hang on...perseveren...no, perserveer...pesever… oh, never mind.....
What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin? (asking for a friend)
Keep calm and drink on.
There should be an "undo" button in an elevator for when you accidentally hit the wrong floor.
I thought I was a bit hardcore until I saw this guy sucking on a soy sauce packet like an Otter Pop.
I`ve just released my own fragrance...No one on the bus seems to like it though.
Hey ladies, you know that feeling you get when you roll over & realize you made a horrible mistake? I could give that to you every day.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Can you imagine how sexy I`d be if I ate right and took care of my body... I`m not going to, but can you imagine
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazines for the articles?
Sorry, I can`t delete any of my voicemails cause then people would be able to leave me a new one
Don`t text me while I`m texting you. Now I have to go back and change my text.
I don’t know who or what is doing it, but one day I will find the thing that continues to steal one sock and destroy it.