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My day so far: 1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively
Got a little too much sun today. I knew I should have closed the blinds.
I have decided I no longer want to be an adult. So if anyone needs me, I`ll be in my blankey fort... coloring.
So, if I lie to the government, it’s a felony. But if they lie to me its politics?
My wife just said that I was the worst behaved out of all her children.
I’d like to hang out, but that would get in the way of me being home and doing absolutely nothing.
My boss said “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.
FYI: You have to stop Facebook posting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
One time at the beach this guy was swimming in the ocean yelling, "help! shark! help! " I just laughed, I knew that shark was not going to help him.
Anyone else has a plastic bag at home full of plastic bags?
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells "CODE RED, CODE RED" really loud then people scurry like mad.
I really don`t know what the big deal is about Black Friday. I black out every Friday....
Hey NSA... I accidentally deleted an email... Can I get you to forward me your copy?
“Is it food time yet?” = The summarization of most of my thoughts.
I`ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I`m actually talking to someone.