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everybody has a girlfriend or boyfriend, and i`m just over here like `i love food`.
So when a couple gets engaged on Facebook for April Fools it`s okay to comment "hahaha" but the rest of the year it`s rude??
What happens in Vegas never happens to me.
Last year in college football Alabama beat Arkansas, Tennessee, and Auburn. Those teams coaches all resigned. Any chance of Alabama playing agsinst the White House this year?
New Years - the only day where its socially acceptable to drink this early.
If by self-help you mean helping myself to all the liquor in your cabinet... Then yeah... I`m about as self-helpful as they come.
Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn’t counting calories.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Free snow at my house. Shovel all you want!
Fun Fact about me: The drunker I get, the more karate I know.
Tieam... problem solved
Me: I`m gonna lose weight. Me: I`m gonna exercise every day. Me: I`m gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?
I’m the type of person who looks at the menu for five minutes but ends up ordering the same exact thing every time.
Politeness has become so rare, that some people mistake it for flirting.
.Monday: No. Tuesday: Ugh. Wednesday: Why. Thursday: Omg. Friday: Finally. Saturday: Yes. Sunday: Crying.