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I’m beginning to believe that successful relationships come down to Netflix compatibility.
If it weren`t for WebMD I would have never known what symptoms to mimic so I could get all these prescriptions from my doctor.
I hate having to work for a living. But I hate starving even more.
Why do prostitutes charge per hour? I mean, what are we supposed to do for the other 57 minutes?
Me: Mom…Dad. I’ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: Ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside.
If you check Page 4, Paragraph 16, Subsection (d), right after the section on Video Game usage, but before the Book Report Procrastination provision and the No Face Piercings, Ever Amendment , you will that see that I am, in fact, and I quote: "the boss of you."
Keychains were invented so that you can lose all of your keys at once.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills... I almost responded
woman belong in the kitchen? thats where the knives are you fool.
Who needs the weather network when you have Facebook.
Every job in the world should require their employees to enter and leave work in a Soul Train line.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated...go figure.
Why isn`t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Walmart: Because where else in the world can you pay $50 to have your oil changed by someone with a GED, find a sized 46H bra, or run the risk of being filmed live on location with the men and women of law enforcement on your way out the door.
My new voicemail: “If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me.”