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never be afraid to wipe twice
You know your phone can take pictures of other people too right? Just checking.
Why isn`t there a reality show called "Security Cams of Walmart?"
Remember when the world ended last year?
It`s a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships.
Sometimes I just wish people were as easy to forget as PIN numbers.
Wife: give me money I want to buy a bra. Husband: you`ve got nothing to put in them. Wife: you wear shorts
Wearing my pajamas to Walmart. I don`t want to attract any attention.
I was going to do a time travelling joke but you guys didn`t like it.
I dated this musician who used to play songs for me over the phone. Then I realized he was just putting me on hold.
I am not saying you are stupid, because I thought you already knew
Car alarms should sound like two chicks in a fight. I`d look out the window for that.
Jogging with a stroller is great exercise! And hard work for whoever is pushing me.
Finding a needle in a haystack is quite easy if you just set the hay on fire.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.