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wonders how you can knock sense into someone when you`re beating them senseless?
Live each day like you’re marked for deletion.
My fantasy is having two women at once...One Cooking, One Cleaning.
Dear college students, Sorry about your GPA. - Netflix
The closest I got to a 4.0 at university… was my blood alcohol level!
Back in my day, we didn’t have computers or the internet. Everyone had to walk uphill for days to tell me I’m an a$$hole.
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose vodka.
The grass is always greener over the septic tank
I want the time management skills of people who effortlessly carve out entire hours to be offended by every single thing on the internet.
Can you do me a favour? Stand in front of my car, I need to test my brakes.
When a girl says: "If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best"... What she really means is: "I`m a f*ckin psycho."
Every time I see an abandoned shoe on the highway it reminds me of some of the drunken nights we use to have.
Q: What is the best thing God ever created? A: The vagina. Q: What was the worst thing God ever did? A: Put women in charge of them.
It takes patience to listen. It takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
My ex was an absolute treasure and by treasure I mean you`ll need a shovel and map to find him.