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You can tell a guy has a woman in his life when he remembers to do stuff like put on deodorant and wipe his butt most of the time!
Damn it. I missed the number of the day on Sesame Street and now I don`t know how many pills to take.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I`m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Dear World, Stop saying "twerk."
I`ve taken my kids all over the country, but their favorite place to be is still "in the way."
Statistically, I`ve come to the conclusion that I`m going to hell in multiple religions.
The ultimate home security system is having shitty stuff.
We Should Have A Way Of Telling People Their Breath Stinks Without Hurting Their Feelings. Like: "I`m bored, let`s go brush our teeth"
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
If you loose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
I often ask myself "What`s wrong with me?" and the answer is ALWAYS "You can`t drink at work"
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Glue a piece of toast to the ceiling
When people stare at me, I assume its because they are taking notes on how to be a bad a$$ motherf*cker.
if sexyness, kindness, sweetness was a crime, You would be the world`s most wanted