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There’s a special place in Hell for people who call to see if you got their email!
I party like a Rockstar. A very poor Rockstar who isn`t in a band anymore.
You’re going to make some cats very happy one day.
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best-looking guy in the world, but,....Oh,hell. Now I`m depressed.
You can stay, but your clothes must go.
Today is Valentine’s Day or as I call it… Tuesday.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
I`m always on the verge of running three miles, or drinking a bottle of Vodka
Facebook should just change it`s name to "People You May Want to Avoid."
I’m glad we don’t have to hunt for our food any more. I don’t even know where sandwiches live...
I never run with scissors. (those last two words were unnecessary.)
If you`re not the lead dog, the scenery never changes!
Kim and Kanye have been married WAY longer then I expected.
You know what’s funny? Lots of sh!t so lighten the f*ck up.
I often worry about the safety of my children, especially the one that is rolling their eyes at me & talking back right now.