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I bet sex is great when I`m not the only one in the room.
The amount of times I`ve had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.
When a woman says "what?" its not because she didn`t hear you. She`s giving you a chance to change what you just said.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Basically the way it works is I tell myself I`m not going to eat too much and then I eat too much.
The awkward moment when you’re that one friend who always gives relationship advice but is still single.
The best way to grill a chicken is to whack it with a rubber hose before you ask why it crossed the road..
Give a kid a Pop Tart and they eat for a day. Teach a kid how to make a Pop Tart and you sleep in all summer
Your mobile phone has more computing power than all of NASA in 1969. NASA launched a man to the moon. ...We launch a bird into pigs!
The last time I touched a breast, it was in a KFC bucket.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn`t use Real dinosaurs.
what happends when chemists pass away...We Barium.
I`d like to thank the bars for being there for me.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
You find it offensive?... I find it funny.... That`s why I`m happier than you