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Please ignore this post, I`m pretending to be adding a coworker`s phone number.
Black Friday is the second closest thing to a zombie apocalypse except they want sales instead of brains.
All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.
They say if the palm of your hand itches, you`re going to get something. And if your crouch itches, you`ve already got it.
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
My date just saved me tons of money by simply saying, "no, I don`t want to be your valentine and stop texting me!"
"Dora" only rhymes with "Explorer" if you`re from Long Island, New York
Trying to achieve the perfect erection. How hard could it be?
I don’t understand shark movies I mean just get out of the water.
Well, today was a complete waste of clean clothes.
I`m pretty sure even Santa wishes they would stop playing Christmas music on the radio this time of year.
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening
There are two key elements to success. 1) Never tell anyone everything you know.
My sex life is like a Ferrari ... I don`t have a Ferrari
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.