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Snoring is just God`s way of ensuring women hate their husbands while they sleep too.
I don`t know how many girls it takes to change a light bulb, but I guarantee we`d post pictures of us doing it on Facebook.
How long do I have to sleep before I`m legally a bear?
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that`s your ghost outfit forever.
Pringles cans should have a twist mechanism like stick deodorant.
Do you ever wonder how many people’s dreams you have been in?
Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
When I think of you I touch myself ... On my temples ... You give me a migraine.
My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
Been there, done that. Hypothetically
If you think my status updates are ridiculous you should see my life choices
I like to jump onto people`s backs as an unexpected piggy back. but sometimes I get carried away
I AM doing something with my life. It’s called screwing around.
Kids today will never appreciate how difficult it used to be finding pictures of naked people.
So there`s a t.v. show called, It`s Me or the Dog?.. I was disappointed to find out its not a game show where people guess who farted