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I’m the kind of guy who dreams about naps while I’m asleep.
Tequila. For those nights you just want to pretend she`s hot.
If they put beer in CapriSun pouches I could fit a lot more in my cooler. Just thought I`d throw that out there, people who invent sh!t.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, "You gotta bring it today!" ... So I packed a lunch and went to work.
Cops don’t like it when they tell you to put your hands up in the air...then you wave them like you just don’t care.
Always be yourself, unless you suck…and if you suck you should try being more like me.
Facebook needs a "slap a b!tch button"
justin bieber
Beer doesn’t have that many vitamins in it…that’s why you have to drink a lot.
If you attached a bunch of watches together to make a belt it would be a waist of time.
There should be an observation deck at Walmart.
Tried to make a stew and accidentally summoned a demon again.
And the day after Christmas has revealed that the holiday is just an elaborate ruse to get you home to fix your parents computer problems.
I used to think I was a man of vision. Now i`m pretty sure they`re hallucinations.
Just sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellant. Now, he’ll never have any friends.