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Please ignore this post, I`m pretending to be adding a coworker`s phone number.
I just ran 3.5 miles in 30 minutes! Ha! Just kidding, I ate some ice cream.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
On the bright side, all that coal will keep me warm this winter.
Yes Grandma, I`m almost positive Arachnophobia is not the fear of people from Iraq
You don’t have to be naked to have a good time, but it helps.
Bring me the heads of my enemies!! or some cupcakes ... whichever.
Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard.
Merry Christmas (I apologize if you`re not Christian). Happy Hanukkah (I apologize if you`re not Jewish). Happy Holidays (I apologize if you`re not happy).
How come there are never any restrooms in my dreams
They say money can’t buy happiness… but it can buy bacon, and that is pretty darn close.
I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down, but had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. Now I need a beer.
How can society expect me to be a mature productive member of it I don`t even know if it`s spelled gray or grey
Thanksgiving: "Let`s give thanks for the stuff we have." Black Friday: "Ok, let`s get all new stuff."
My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I`m pretty damn excited.