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Picking out the right Christmas tree is a science. Sneaking into your neighbor`s yard to cut it down is an art.
I`m at the "what can I make with green beans and cake mix" stage of needing groceries
Singing passionately in the shower: Pretty good idea. Dancing passionately in the shower: Not so much.
I swear my cat was an alarm clock in a previous life...
“Are you completely sure this isn’t textable?” -the perfect voicemail prompt.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
When I was young I could climb mountains, these days I have to steady myself to fart.
If someone doesn’t stand up to let you pass them in movie theater seats, it’s totally cool and legal to fart in their face as you walk by.
When I`m on my deathbed, I`m definitely going to ask if I can be moved to a different bed.
Who wants to do something we will regret in the morning? Anyone?
A fun part of your 40s is waking up thinking you`re hungover, and then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now.
Some old people are driving vehicles right now and don’t even know it.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
I`m a big advocate of the `You started it` method of defense in an argument.
when people fall in love they are called " love birds." when they fight they are called "angry birds."