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A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm ... So I peed on her
"Please don`t put a million dumb photos of me on your Facebook... it just annoys your friends" - Every baby
Dancing in the 70`s: I have absolutely no idea what I am pointing at
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won´t spoil me.
Adulthood is when 4:30am is early in the morning instead of late at night.
Shout out to weathermen telling us the barometric pressure like we know what the hell to do with that information.
Come on snooze button, is 9 minutes all you have to offer...I need something in the 2-3 hour range.
Not to get technical… but according to chemistry alcohol is a solution.
I don’t appreciate the 5 minute radio ads about how commercial-free the station is.
When you`re down about your body image just type "fat people" into Google images, always makes me feel better!:)
I finally finished my 4,000 piece jigsaw puzzle. It reads- " Get a life you sad F**k "
Pay no attention to the pizza being delivered to the bush outside your bedroom window.
Last night I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours, but then I realized I’d just put my hoodie on backwards
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. 2) if it does not look like it`s breathing give it mouth-to_mouth
The sun and I have an understanding. He gets up before I do.