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I used to work at a fire hydrant factory. I couldn`t park anywhere near the place
The only time my wife will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER" is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Getting up in the morning is like writing an essay. You want to do it, it takes a lot of effort, and you usually quit halfway through.
This job fair sucks... They don`t have one F*cking ride...
Thanks to the popularity of gifs, we are living in the golden age of silent films.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn`t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It`s causing quite a stir...
1) Go to Starbucks 2) Order coffee 3) Tell them your name is Waldo 4) Leave
It`s funny how many people I have in my phones contact list who all have the same name Do Not Answer.
Man, the first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
If you don`t take 500 selfies a day, do you even love yourself?
I`m starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I`ll never ever use one again. I`m so excited about it. Yes.
The future was so much cooler in the past.
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, “neighborhood watch” isn’t what I thought it was.
Kid`s Choice Awards are a great reminder why children aren`t allowed to vote.