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It was love at first sight...I should have looked twice.
Feeling bored? Go to a clothing store and put "one size fits all" stickers on the bras.
I`m a wealth of knowledge ... Unless you want it to be true, then I`m pretty solid on about 6 topics ... 2 of those might just be Doritos flavors
Pro tip: when you`re watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don`t suggest potential additional wives.
You know it`s way past your bed time when the 1-800-dial-a-hoe commercials come on.
I maybe wrong but I doubt it.
Last night I meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Thursday because this is bulls**t."
"Something`s wrong. He`s never walked this far before."- what my shoes would say if you walked a mile in them.
I saw a sign at a cafe that said, "shoes must be worn." I was upset, because my shoes were brand new.
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Went shopping alone and the cashier asked, "How are you guys doing?" Now I`m 90% sure he can see ghosts and one is following me around.
Okay, enough procrastination. Time for excuses.
I entered what I ate for lunch into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself.
I`ve got worms !!!! ......... worms in me garden