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Cannibals don`t drink coffee ... They have a cup of Joe instead.
Crap, summer is here and I`m nowhere near in drinking shape yet.
You know your phone can take pictures of other people too right? Just checking.
I`m looking for a new personal trainer, the last one didn`t work out
If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”. Problem solved.
Wouldn`t it be awesome if MTV had a show called "16 and Applying to Colleges"
I wonder if dogs ever wake up in the morning and think "dear god please don`t take me jogging with you today"?
I went to Jared for my girlfriend`s Christmas gift. I`m sure she will love her Subway gift card.
next time you`re at a movie point at the screen when a scene with extras are on and say to your buddy "look, there i am!" and see how many people look over at you in awe.
Mac & Cheese doesn`t contain many vitamins, so it`s important you always eat a bunch of it.
I always buy a Get Well Soon card for the couple who invites me to their wedding.
When someone says "Happy New Years" I wonder, how many years are they talking about?
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I`m having sex ... Probably with the other sock.