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America: Where stairs are only used for emergency escape purposes.
I FINALLY "friended" my girlfriend on Facebook.. You know.. So I could get updates on our relationship status.. :|
Caterpillars have the ideal life. They eat a lot and then sleep for a while and wake up beautiful.
If you stop at a yellow light I`m going to assume you have something illegal in your car.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
How am I supposed to make great life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?
I just awesomed all over the place.
I don`t care about your choice in politics, religion, or taste in music... I judge you simply based on football team preference
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting that you do.
My son got one of those `Stop Bullying` wristbands. he took it away from a fat little ginger kid.
Don`t half a$$ it. It`s not a real nap unless you take your pants off.
My diet could best be described as, "unchaperoned child at a birthday party."
I`ve finally decided to do something about my weight. Lie.
Spruce up your weeknight: run the dishwasher and imagine you`re on a cruise!
I must have drank more than I thought last weekend...there`s an entire hour that I don`t remember!