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you know....I wasn`t planning on going for a run today....but those cops came out of nowhere
If I could move things by telekinesis I`d squeeze people`s insides and make them fart.
Yes, I dance in my car. Yes, I see you staring at me. No, I do not care.
I worry about the future because I know my friends that are teachers.
Commence six months of the clock in my car being wrong.
Just because you have a beard doesn`t mean you`re a man. Last time I checked vaginas can grow hair too.
The leading cause of divorce ? ... marriage
I just ate Pasta and Anti-Pasta, but they annihilated each other, now I am hungry again.......
Dear Toilet Paper Makers, We`ve all unexpectedly run out at some point. Please make the tube in the center softer. Thank you...
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought "that`s a fair trade."
Success, like a fart, only bothers people when its not their own.
CONGRATULATIONS! You are the 13th woman he`s called "beautiful" on Facebook today.
Whenever you hear the phrase "Oh no he didn`t" you can rest assured that he did.
Ignoring things don`t make them go away, it makes them drunk dial you.
Today I caught myself smiling… I was thinking of you… Don’t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.