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People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy".
Im pretty sure that my shrink this week mumbled "this is pure gold" under his breath
I just burnt my tongue on my food. It made me realise that it’s the ones we love that hurt us the most.
I`m never more nervous than when I tell a doctor what I actually eat.
Say what you will about women but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six hour argument takes talent.
If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats. Then go look at Facebook for about 10 minutes.
My wife said if this gets 100 likes, we`ll try butt stuff........ * Please DON`T like,,, her strap-on is big and scary.....
I said "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t." but the judge didn`t buy it.
If you are offended by the opinions I express you can only imagine the ones I keep to myself.
As i get older i realize I do a LOT more YOGA...attempting to tie my shoelaces
If history has taught us anything, it`s that reheated french fries are gross.
The ultimate home security system is just having crappy stuff.
The only solution to a problem is to find the source and Kill it.
BREAKING NEWS: Baby found in the middle of the Meteorite crash site,,, he is miraculously unharmed... Wrapped in what seems to be a red cape.