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I`m going to stand outside. So, if anyone asks, I`m outstanding.
If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$
Turning your signal light on once you`ve already changed lanes is just about as useful as offering to help the old lady across the street AFTER she`s already been hit by a school bus full of screaming children. Just sayin`
This Crazy Weather Makes Me Want To Masturbate Furiously!!!
I saw a midget carrying a tv to his car today. I said "hey, would you like some help with that plasma?" He said "f*ck off asshole, it`s an IPad!"
I inject vodka right into the orange. Screwdriver-to-go
When the sign says: DO NOT TOUCH I read: Touch when nobody is looking.
I just want you all to know, whatever problems you might be having, I`m here to `like` them.
Was at an Apple store today when I let out a really loud fart. Boy, the employee`s were so mad. Hey, Not my fault they don`t have windows!
My favorite thing about winter...waking up from hibernation!
I love everybody. Some I love to be around. Some I love to avoid. And some Iād love to punch them in the face.
All my friends are getting married and having kids or getting really good at video games.
I hate it when I get too drunk and just kidding I never hate getting drunk!
Waterfalls are a beautiful, majestic sight as they pour down upon the rocky crags below. Unless you`re in a canoe and about to plummet to your death. Then waterfalls sorta suck.
I wonder who was the first person to see an egg come out of a chicken`s booty and think..."I`m gonna eat that!"