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Cashiers are always checking me out.
Balloons think they’re so cool. I tried to tell one he was leaking and he just said, “Pfft.”
I clean my house like everyone else ... 5 minutes before someone comes over.
I just dusted and mopped the house like 3 months ago and it’s dirty again. This is bullsh!t.
Logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
People with 1 syllable names ruin the happy birthday song
Facebook: an alternative to drunk dialing.
Don’t be upset that you’re single; be happy that someone isn’t ruining your life.
Just one more drink and then I`m outta here" is one of my favorite lies.
You always remember your first Crush. Mine was Orange.
Of all the things life has given to me... I would like to return 20 lbs.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she`s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Is it yoga if you wear sweatpants all day and then hunch over the garbage can as you eat a burrito?
When will they start calling marijuana dispenseries grass stations?
Give a man a fish & he`ll be all "WTF are you giving me a fish for? That`s weird" Teach a man to fish & he`ll be all "Again with the fish?"