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Stop everything you’re doing. Think about me. You’re welcome.
Sometimes I say stuff without even meaning to be funny and I`m like "Man, my subconsicious is hilarious!"
Smile, it confuses people. ;)
Eventually, some poor astronaut is going to crash into all that Star Wars writing
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with pretty daughters do.
I love this oscillating fan, 5 out of every 15 seconds.
I recently added squats to my daily workout routine and I did so by moving my beer to the bottom shelf in my refrigerator.
My favorite form of lying to myself is choosing a deodorant scent that contains the words `active` or `sport` in it`s name
If a woman is talking to me about her problems, I better be the cause of them.
POLITICS; from `poly` meaning `many and `Tics` meaning blood-sucking creatures. Just sayin`
Spring cleaning: The term that gives us an excuse to only clean once a year.
I’m glad we don’t have to hunt for our food any more. I don’t even know where sandwiches live...
It`s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing.
Congratulations on becoming a homeowner! From now on, every noise you hear will cost you money.
Just signed a $320,000, nine year deal with my therapist.