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To a woman, sexual harassment is when a man makes advances towards her. If a woman makes advances towards a man, we call that getting lucky.
Our office just got a new conference table. It sleeps 20.
That moment when you put your pants on, take a few steps, and feel something crawling down your leg! You grab it on the outside so it doesn`t crawl any further....and then you sigh in relief and thank God the dryer sheet doesn`t bite!
My girlfriend says I shouldn`t plan things so far in advance. Well, she`s not my girlfriend yet.
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? ;)
If I`m in your house and you have bookshelves... Be prepared to see me turning statues and bending down books while looking for your lair.
I’m sad when my food is over.
"The truth shall set you free"....unless you are in court. Then you should probably shut the f*ck up.
And now it`s too hot outside to take down the Christmas lights
I hate when someone has a loud conversation on their cell phone and then gives me dirty looks for jotting down everything they say.
Me blacking out when I`m drunk is God`s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow, but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine.
Horoscopes: When you don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend to blame for your failures, try the solar system
Think we could get the North Korean hackers to end "Keeping Up With The Kardashians"?
Life`s short ... Drink fast