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Boss: Are you on drugs? Me: You and I both know I don`t make enough money to have a drug problem
Of course I’ll buy a polished rock made into a necklace. I’m on vacation, aren’t I?
She asked me for time and distance. I guess she wants to calculate velocity.
Ever wondered why there is a stairway to heaven, and a highway to hell? There´s apparently more traffic going to hell!!
Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn’t answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.
Why is there a Stairway to heaven and a highway to hell? There is a lot more traffic going to hell
I`m a passionate supporter of things that don`t inconvenience me or require any type of action or physical effort.
I only have a kitchen because it came with the house.
I used to be a kleptomaniac but now I take something for it.
New Life Goal: Get a job where people ask me, "You actually get paid for doing this?"
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It`s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.
Can I get likes for no reason?
My friend thinks he`s so smart. He said onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.
Mattel is launching a new Facebook Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box.