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Have you ever looked at your ex and wondered...WAS I drunk the whole time?
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles and pay to walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. “Alright, get in the basket”
If you think your wife has a great sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes. Not the best idea a man ever had ;)
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next.
Who me? Oh I`m just waiting for my husband to apologize for something I did wrong...marriage is fun
It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destoroy the illusion that I am a nice person.
What if I am sexy and I don`t know it?
Whenever I meet a new girl, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don’t want her to meet her competition right away.
It feels like one of them days..... ya know? When you wanna fart and blame the other person for it!
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
So you have 820 friends on Facebook and yet no one was around to take your picture when you decided to use the mirror for a good shot?
Getting told I can`t do something gives me all the motivation I need to get things done.
Just once I want my skills to be so urgently required that a helicopter is dispatched to pick me up.
Don`t worry about walking a mile in my shows. Try a day thinking in head.