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My resume is really just a list of all the things I never want to do again.
I downloaded this app called "Hide & Go Seek". Ever since then I cant find my damn phone.
It`s not so much blowing my diet as preventing the fudgesicles from developing freezer burn.
Nothing good has ever come from answering a call from a blocked phone number.
Do you know how many poisonous apples I`d have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?
Actually I don`t think it would be all that hard to get out of a pickle.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that sh!t.
finally joined craigs list. who wants to see my junk?
Iām not stupid. Iām just too lazy to show how smart I am.
Now that I`m turning 40, I need to be careful about what I eat and drink and make sure I am getting my nutrients. That is why I just added pulp-free Orange Juice to my Vodka.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like `Stabbyrabbit` or `Weaponrat`
Some people just bring out the psycho in me
Is it bad when Iām talking to myself and Iām not even listening?
You don`t have to drink to have fun... Just have fun drinking!
Sneezing when you pee is only recommended when you`re in a public toilet.