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I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?"
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna´ be a great day.
I`m not sure it`s possible to fill a moving truck these days without the word "Tetris" being brought into the conversation.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee is when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
joined a nudist colony last week ... the first few days were the hardest!
When I was a child, I wanted to be a surgeon. But apparently I was too young
Have you ever wondered if God looks down at you in a humorous moment, chuckles to himself, and says "yeah I made that!"
How come the voices inside of a crazy person`s head never say shit like "hey, go to the gym" or "hey, cure cancer" or "hey, don`t be crazy"?
My son got one of those `Stop Bullying` wristbands. he took it away from a fat little ginger kid.
Treasure the years with your children while they are still distracted by bubbles.
? Single ? Taken ? Depends on who`s asking.
Health care in this country is a disgrace. My doctor said run 3 miles a day for a month. I`m now completely lost & 90 miles away from home.
Living with a child is like using a blender with no lid...
I`ve decided that throughout the time period starting with Thanksgiving, continuing on to Christmas and ending on New Years Day, the term `Calories" regarding all food shall be referred to as "Deliciousness Points."
The Family Reunion went pretty good until they all figured out that I wasn`t related to any of them