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I`ve spent approximately 2% of my life walking back to the trash can and checking the box to see how long I need to microwave my food.
I`m all over that like a fat kid on a Smarty
Summer is almost over...All you half-naked people are gonna need to find a personality.
My car said "low on fuel"..I replied "low on cash"..I`m still waiting for a reply..
It`s about time the government enacted a law that keeps dumb and stupid people away from playing any role in society.
The last time I saw something as ugly as your face I pinned a tail on it.
Somehow, hitting the "end call" button on the cell phone just doesn`t feel nearly as good as the old days when you could slam the phone down on somebody.
Sometimes I sit and wonder what the world would be like if I wasn`t awesome ... That would be scary.
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
My name is Fred and I`m a survivor. If you are out there..if anyone is out there. I can provide food/shelter..Anybody please....U are not alone....
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish ... I`m not even high.
Show some cleavage on bad hair days.
A man asks a trainer in a gym - "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?" Trainer replies - "use the ATM"
Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would two people fight over a belt when neither of them are wearing pants?
The best part about growing old with you is that I`ll always be the younger one.