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I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.
A man who took an Airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.
Iron Man is a superhero. Iron woman is a command.
When I see people drinking at 11 am on a Friday I`m like, where do you work and are they hiring?
This empty wallet looks like I`ll be laughing obnoxiously at some guy`s awful jokes in a bar tonight.
When I go to someone’s house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don’t like visitors.
Some days the problem is I care too much... Today was not one of those days...
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it`s your neighbor`s window and they`re calling the cops?
Sure thing.... follow me... I`ll show you the fastest way to get to nowhere.
I ordered a new GPS unit, but it got lost in the mail.
I decided to make a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number 1: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes?
Being in hot water isn`t so bad if you throw in some bubbles and a glass of champagne.
Thought I saw a kangaroo today but turned out to be a greyhound having a dump !
A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.
No really I`m fine, I have drugs and alcohol to block out reality, but thanks anyway...