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Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, get wasted all the time and have the time of your life!
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.
It was awkward when she said, "And yet your feet are so big."
I was feeling down...then all of a sudden I felt myself up. Win, win situation! ;)
A new study has found that women find it seven times easier to read men’s facial expressions than men have reading women’s. That’s mostly because we’re not looking at their faces ...
I cant afford a Snuggie so I just wear my robe backwards...
I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance! ..By driving away and not leaving a note.
If no one comes from the future to stop you, than how bad of a decision can it really be.
I hate it when totally random strangers ask me stupid questions like "Why are you licking me?"
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities"
I don’t mind going to work. It’s that eight-hour wait to go home that bugs me.
Why did they send me to this white room? Do they think I`m crazy? Do they think I`m ...HOLY CRAP THE WALLS ARE FLUFFY!!!
I can`t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend
I´m playing hide and seek with the kids right now and they´ll never find me, because they aren´t old enough to drive or get into this bar.
If booze isn`t the answer, then your question sucks.