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If you cry loudly enough at a Walmart everyone will just assume you work there.
Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn’t listening to begin with.
When a woman says "what?" its not because she didn`t hear you. She`s giving you a chance to change what you just said.
I`d walk barefoot across an ocean of Legos for you.
If you are used to seeing a fat, naked guy walk around his house, then you are probably my neighbor.
Please do not read this.
Go through a fast food drive thru. When they repeat your order back to you, say "And can I get that to go?" and enjoy the confused silence.
I can already tell it`s going to be another one of those mornings where I`m not rich and famous.
i wish i could sleep ... but my damn A.D.D. kicks in and basically 1 sheep, 2 sheep, cow, turtle, duck, Ol McDonald had a farm, HEEEY Macerena.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I`m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that`s what she wrote in her diary.
The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook.
If you`re already in the cop car, I really can`t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Time to get Star Spangled hammered. Happy 4th you crazy Americans.
Mouth the word " vacuum" to a stranger & see what happens.
My doctor recommended I increase the amount of Greens in my diet...so I started drinking more Rolling Rock.