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I got kicked out of the pool today ... apperently the breaststroke isn`t what I thought it was.
“Nevermind.” Translation: You should’ve listened the first time.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years. Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
"IT`S A BOY" I shouted, tears rolling down my face "I DON`T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!" It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it`s like they had those babies for nothing.
I was thinking earlier, thats all, just wanted everyone to know that it does happen from time to time........
At the end of the day, life should ask us, ‘Do you want to save the changes?’
Apparently, I did not use enough a$$hole repellent today
Having a favorite homeless person is weird, right?
It`s hard to take life serious once you realize people jamming their genitals in each others mouths is considered a sign of affection.
I always buy a Get Well Soon card for the couple who invites me to their wedding.
I may look calm, but in my head I´ve punched you in the face 3 times already!
If you put a "Student Driver" sign on top of your car, Nobody will ever suspect you of drunk driving.
One man’s LOL is another man’s WTF.