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Every woman is beautiful in her own unique way. Sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it.
I really hate it when someone else creates something that I haven`t had the chance to think of first...
I hope we`re friends until we die and then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the sh!t out of people.
I answered the door in my underwear. That WAS the tip, pizza guy!
The monent of triumph when your bag is the first off the plane.
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting that you do.
Some people are like Polaroids. You have to shake them violently before they make any sense.
Do not put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely.
I like to say "Do I smell popcorn?" right after I fart ..that way everyone quickly takes a deep breathe.
What is it about being blind that makes people want to walk their dog all the time?
Remember, time is more powerful than You!!! One tree makes a million matchsticks......But when the time comes........Only 1 match stick is needed to burn a million trees......
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
I don`t gamble. I don’t drink. My one vice is my iPhone. Well, that and lying about drinking and gambling.
People like you are the reason people like me take pills.
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the sane one.