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Doing pretty good so far on my 1500 calorie a day diet as long as I don`t eat anything else today and tomorrow.
Somehow, we`ve got to find a way to STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under.
I have off-road rage, too
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Life is like a p@nis. Simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely. Then women make it hard
what happends when chemists pass away...We Barium.
The only stock options I have are chicken and beef.
Every day is St. Patrick`s Day when you`re a drunk who likes to pinch people.
I`m hoping to avoid a situation where I have to dance to save my own life.
If you think you have problems, remember that Malaysian man who told his wife he was flying to China... and now he can`t get out of his girlfriend`s apartment...
Alcohol doesn`t get people drunk, people get people drunk. Drunk people get other drunk people extra drunk.
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn`t make the cut.
Ever notice how it`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes?
The early bird needs a punch in the throat.
Tonight I’m trying to get to that happy place right between don’t know my own name and head in the toilet.