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When I was little we didn`t have emojis. We had to put smiley face stickers on handwritten letters like a bunch of savages.
Relax,,, We`re all crazy.. It`s not a competition.
my cross-eyed girlfriend left me today. She was seeing someone else.
According to cannibals it only takes one vegetarian to make vegetarian chili.
How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention?
You can stay, but your clothes must go.
When a porn actress is rude at a restaurant, there`s really nothing the staff can put in her food for revenge.
Make a random stranger`s day by walking up to them and saying "This isn`t real. You have to wake up"
hate it when someone says they are miserable when their profile picture says otherwise.
Just saw a cop that had a U-Haul pulled over on the side of the road. Obviously he was trying to bust a move.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick. Especially since his name is Mike.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I´m typing this with my middle finger.
A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Walmart has their new Savings Catcher app... I`m thinking savings isn`t the only thing you will catch ...
Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is "limo window partition" between the front and back seat not an option yet?