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If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I`d just laugh and search with them.
I wonder if more children were conceived because of alcohol or more alcohol was consumed because of children.
I have off-road rage, too
Saw a woman crying as she was buying tampons last night. ..Must be going through a tough period in her life.
I`m so scattered I don`t know whether I found this rope or lost my horse.
is battling with eyelids
I took out an ad for a girlfriend recently and 10 guys tried to give me theirs.
If you really think about it, "Nightlife" is just a fancy word for drinking alcohol at a place that isn`t your house.
There’s no worse feeling than realizing your wife has fallen asleep & you’ve spent the last 20 minutes watching Real Housewives by yourself.
I`m like the toughest guy in this comic book store.
If you give up smoking, drinking, and sex, you don’t live longer, just seems longer.
Don`t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can breathe."
My favorite part of seeing someone I know in public is pretending I didn’t.
No one answers their phones anymore... If I ever get arrested, I don`t want a damn phone call, I want a facebook posting.
She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found `mute` by now.