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My internet addiction is getting alt of ctl.
I am so deep in the friendzone I have been introduced to her boyfriend`s parents.
Someone asked me why I use the "F" bomb so much. What the F*ck is an "F" bomb?
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
The best thing about falling down when you`re home alone is that you can just lie on the floor and take a nap.
The way my kids act at Walmart, it`s just a matter of time before the security camera footage is a hit reality show!
In light of recent events, I have no choice but to deduct a full star from my Yelp review of Earth.
Now I lay me down to sleep, a bottle of vodka at my feet, if I should die before I wake, tell my friends I drank it straight.
If the shampoo and conditioner in her shower are not the same brand GET THE F*CK OUT, SHE`S A MAN!
Wouldn`t it be ironical to die in a living room?
Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in. Those inside are desperate to get out
That`s a lot of selfies for someone that claims to be emotionally stable
Women who say the quickest way to a man`s heart is through his stomach, have not seen his browser history.
Am I the only one who closes the silverware drawer with an epic pelvic thrust?
How do you expect kids to listen to their parents when Tarzan lives half naked, Cinderella comes home at midnight, Pinocchio lies all the time, Alladin is the king of thieves, Batman drives at 200 mph, Sleeping Beauty is lazy, and Snow White lives with 7 guys. We shouldn’t be surprised when they misbehave, they get it from their storybooks!