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I do all of my ironing in the dryer.
Grocery stores could save me a lot of time and effort by adding an “All the stuff you can microwave” aisle.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone`s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
I`d be willing to sleep my way to the top if it actually meant sleeping.
Apparently Home Depot`s slogan of "You can do it; We can help" doesn`t apply to masturbation.
I don`t know where the saying "working like a dog" got started but I`m looking at my dogs daily routine feeling pretty jealous myself.
My house isn’t dirty, I just have everything on display.
The main thing I learned from watching my wife carve pumpkins is she’s really good at stabbing things. I should probably be nicer to her.
Sad life : After watching 2 seconds of Spongebob I already know what episode it is ... I`m 41
Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn`t it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HOPE YOU HAVE AN AMAZING DAY!! (To all of my FB friends, please don`t read this until the appropriate day)
There`s nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.
I think my TV remote has developed some sort of Romulan cloaking technology.
Good news: I learned how to build a fire. Bad news: I need a new toaster oven.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives. I`ll decide what is "fresh" and "natural" and "like a real girl" thank you very much.