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ALCOHOL! Giving you the ambition to do anything, while simultaneously taking away your capability to do so.
I often wonder how things worked out for that guy who grabbed the bull by the horns.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying "gracias" at Mexican restaurants.
Maybe the cost of a barrel of oil wouldn’t be so expensive if Donkey Kong didn’t waste thousands of them in the `80s throwing them at Mario.
Would you mind going with me to my next Psychologist appointment? He thinks I`m making you up.
I am 5 for 5 on popping my trunk instead of unlocking the fuel door at the gas station.
I can’t prove this, but I swear I used to be smarter, funnier, and less tired
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they`re going to put you in one.
Sometimes you have to photoshop your life. Touch up edges, adjust the tones, blur the background, focus on yourself & crop some people out.
At times I wish I had a clone, but then I realize, I could never live with that a$$hole.
Organized people are just to lazy to look for things.
No matter how fast you run, the serial killer always walks faster.
This healthy diet thing is dangerous. I just cut myself peeling an apple. This would have never happened to me with a twinkie.
I`m going to spend Valentine`s day with my ex.... Box 360
You seem awesome. I can`t wait to find out what I hate about you.