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It`s like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.
Life lesson: you never have to feel ashamed of anything you buy as long as you buy a birthday card at the same time
Maybe my goal was to be a 35 year old loser on the Internet ... You don`t know.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn`t just "lay in bed and watch TV all day" I traveled very far thank u
I wish my car was fueled by my lack of desire to go to work.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy, if you put it in your stomach first.
I spend more time looking in the fridge than I actually do eating.
Thinking about staying in tonight? Nobody looks back in life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
A smile is the same in every language, I`m pretty sure the pee pee dance is too
I`m sorry, we can`t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
LIKE if you check your phone to see what time it is and then check it again because the first time you weren’t paying attention.
Shot my first turkey today...scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome!
I never use the phrase, "Your guess is as good as mine" because, well... it`s not.
Are oranges named orange because they’re orange or is orange called orange because oranges are orange?
Swearing: because sometimes "golly gee" and "meany" just don`t cut it.