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The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day. Like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.
I have the same thought when I watch horror flicks as when I watch my wedding videos. I should have known who the psycho was much sooner.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes a great Subway sandwich.
OH I´m sorry! I didn´t realise you were giving me a dirty look. I just thought you were ugly like that all the time!
Imagine all the amazing places you could take naps if you were Superman.
Instead of presidential debates, we should just have a dance-off.
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of in is.
I know the voices aren`t real, but man do they come up with some great ideas.
If at first you don`t succeed then maybe you just suck.
To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you suck it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it. Threading a needle isn`t easy.
Do you ever wake up and kiss someone next to you and appreciate being alive? I did this and was chased out of the bus
Be careful when you`re watching a movie with your wife. You`re gonna get blamed for whatever the guy in the movie does.
Every family has a plastic bag full of plastic bags.
Nice try, self-checkout lane. There`s not even any mirrors.
Women, we don`t say this enough, but thank you...Thank you for not killing us in our sleep. Sincerely, Men.