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I wouldn’t have to manage my anger, if people could learn to manage their stupidity.
Apparently when my math teacher asked `what comes after 69` "I DO" was not the correct answer.
The worst thing about that guy who posts non-stop gym updates is that all that exercise is gonna make him live longer.
"If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best" literally translates to "I`m a loud, sloppy drunk."
My wife gives me sound advice. 99% sound. 1% advice.
Punctuality is a waste of time since no one is ever there to appreciate it.
When I see a tire swing swaying gently in the breeze, I like to believe its daydreaming about life on the open road.
If you`re wondering why you`re single, date someone. You`ll remember
I haven`t lost all of my marbles but there is definitely a hole in the bag.
Size does matter ... When ordering a pizza
I live in a small town where the population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregant a guy leaves town.
She texted me: "Your adorable.". I replied: "No, you`re adorable." Now she thinks I like her. All I did was point out her typo!
in wine there is wisdom. in beer there is freedom. in water there is... umm bacteria
"Be yourself" is about the worst advice you can give some people.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a girl who`s free for the weekend.