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I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication
Don`t you just hate it when people say stuff in thier status that you really didn`t want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop. Talk to ya later.
The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I`ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who is not buying this?
I don`t believe in karma, but I do believe in punching people in the face.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
My life coach just benched me.
Clearly, it is wrong to describe woman`s menopause as "the old Fallopian tubes finally rusting shut." My bad.
Blue&Black or White&Gold? Who cares what color the dress is, so long as its balled up on the floor of my bedroom.
Look for my new diet book: "How To Work Out And Watch What You Eat And Still Gain Plenty Of Weight"
If you`ve had cats, the singles virus may already be inside you.
I`m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team
She’s thinking about having beer pong at her reception… that’s walking a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I wish real life had as many ejection seats as cartoons.