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Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I`m like HOLY CRAP I`M OUTSIDE.
Psychology — Even trying to spell it correctly screws with your head.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That`s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Someone just told me to "Have a good morning". What about the rest of my day mother f*cker?
His idea of cleanliness is sweeping the room with a glance.
So the state trooper said "I`ve been following you with my lights flashing for three miles. Why didn`t you pull over?" and I said "Well, a few years ago my wife ran away with a state trooper and I was worried that you were trying to return her."
I don`t normally poop with the door open, but I don`t want to miss the in flight movie
It was so cold that when we milk the cows we got ice cream.
I am surprised Cheech and Chong have not filmed a new movie -"Cheech and Chong Smoke Colorado"
Im at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to sh!t faster because it`s cold.
I hope when I die, it`s early in the morning so I don`t go to work that day for no reason.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work. I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
You can`t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me.
I thought I cracked this "adulthood" till I realised my shirt was on inside out !!!!!
I don`t get in trouble, I just get into questionable situations.