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What I do when I black out is none of my business.
I feel like I`m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don`t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Your personality needs alcohol.
I always confuse the words exotic and erotic. That made for a very awkward conversation at my local pet store.
A drunk man walks into a bar...but enough about me...
"Teeter Totter" is the silliest name for toddler catapults.
It`s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
I`ve heard that men that are married live longer, but i`ve also heard that men that have sex live longer. Anybody know which one of them is true?
I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line.... *as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Marriage is a wonderful institution... but who wants to live in an institution?
When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans." All I hear is "there`s a bear out there that knows how to use matches."
"Truth or dare" should be renamed to "Interrogation or Humiliation"
Indecisiveness is just mental constipation.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.