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You guys can laugh at my cargo pants all you want, but I just walked out of Taco Bell with 350 sauce packets.
It doesn`t matter whether the glass is half empty or half full. There`s clearly room for more Alcohol
Sorry I`m late, the floor was lava
"Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I`M ASKING THEM"
All bad decisions are ultimately made using the same piece of resounding logic: “Screw it.”
Why do bras and batteries come in the same sizes?
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Please, if I ever offend you, it’s because I meant to.
I`ve heard that men that are married live longer, but i`ve also heard that men that have sex live longer. Anybody know which one of them is true?
I really think there should be a separate driving lane for those of us running solely on caffeine and rage.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HOPE YOU HAVE AN AMAZING DAY!! (To all of my FB friends, please don`t read this until the appropriate day)
Odd how all the `intelligent life finding instruments` are pointed away from earth.
love me or leave me,,HEY!!! where is everybody going?
People hate facing the truth. Luckily the truth doesn`t give a sh*t.
I asked my girlfriend why she never tells me when she orgasms. She said she doesn`t like phoning me at work.