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I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn`t even eat them.
I carry a knife, but it’s just in case of cake.
Easy way to kill me: Dangle a spider from my rearview mirror while I`m driving.
Life would be so much more fun if there were random Dukes of Hazzard style car ramps along the drive to work.
Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts.
I was reading that it takes the average man four minutes to have sex, and he’s asleep eight minutes after that. This sounds very dangerous, because by then most men are driving home.
Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?
My dad says that if I don`t stop typing so loudly, he`s gonna slam my face into the fidbdiUHy6hivIifHfGK
The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.
I get so tired of the same old BS...can´t I get a little BS variety?
Based on the number of smoke breaks they take, I’m pretty sure the only reason my co-workers have a job is to pay for their cigarettes.
I don’t understand why drunk me always seems to have more money than sober me.
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don’t make the rules.
To my neighbor using a chainsaw at 7:30 on a Sunday morning: Try holding the other end.
Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I`m just cooking!"