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If you have to ask if it`s too early to drink wine...You`re an amateur and we can`t be friends.
Everything in earthquake-prone areas should be built on top of a giant Tempurpedic mattress.
I said "Candyman" 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
If your wife asks you if you know where the broom is, it`s not a good idea to ask her if she is going somewhere.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people
Statistically, I`ve come to the conclusion that I`m going to hell in multiple religions.
I feel pretty confident that if anyone ever steals my identity, they will inevitably improve my credit score…
You know nothing about a woman until she`s drunk and mad at you
I`ll never forget the first time we met. Although, I will keep trying.
1st woman on the Moon.. Houston we have a problem What? Never mind What`s the problem? Nothing Please tell us? You know what the problem is.
I know I don`t look like it but I`m really good looking!
Running shoes? No, I don`t run. These are my "better hurry up the liquor store is about to close" shoes.
Mirrors don`t lie. Lucky for you, they don`t laugh either.
I need a job that pays at least 10,000 dollars an hour.
My butt decided to go big instead of go home.