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Boobs are a lot like train sets, they were meant for kids, but dad always ends up wanting to play with them.
I have a land line just so that I still have the option to slam the phone down when I angrily hang up on someone.
Look, all I`m saying is if you didnt want me to take my clothes off and do an interpretive dance you should have turned off Michael Jacksons "man in the mirror".
My personality is 30% the last movie I watched.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
I’ve just woken up, and it appears that Earth is temporarily safe from harm & currently doesn’t need my assistance, so I’m going back to bed.
My favorite thing about winter...waking up from hibernation!
Do they have to play movies so loud at the theatre? I litterally have to scream into my phone.
Dear future boyfriend/girlfriend, where the hell are you?
You know you`re fat when you run out of breath eating.
The older I get, the more I sympathize with Squidward`s anger.
Your baby has no idea that you threw him a 1st birthday party. All you did was inconvenience your friends.
I don`t know why it`s necessary to get a glass dirty, when wine tastes perfectly fine straight out of the bottle.
I`m at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I`m usually fine with going home.
If da Vinci were alive today, the "Mona Lisa" would have been called "IMG-20121020-00463.jpg"