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Violently swerving your car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesn`t work like it does with humans. Just in case you need to know.
Bad Morning: As I sit on the throne remembering I used all the toilet paper last night for Halloween pranks.
Statistics say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. Does that mean that 1 enjoys it?
I just wanted you all to know that I`m leaving Facebook. The ride has been a blast and I`ve made a ton of friends. Your humor and wit is amazing. I`ll miss all of u, but I`ve decided I need to spend more time with my family...so see you after breakfast!!
Ever since I installed Adblocker, I have been severely depressed. Hot singles in my area are no longer interested in me.
Just bought a Ken doll. I don`t know what everyone`s talking about, you can`t read books on this thing.
One day you will die, but every other day you won’t. So that’s pretty great, right? ... Inspirational posts are hard.
Funerals are so depressing, when I die I want to be fed to a shark or something cool.
Mary had a little lamb,,the midwife fainted
At the urinal, please keep your eyes forward and your conversations limited to weather, sports or beer.
If anyone is interested I`ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
You never outgrow sleepovers, they just become coed.
It’s sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his crappy ACME gadgets, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.
Facebook ~ redefining "friendship" one booby pic at a time. ;)