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I once tried sniffing coke, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck up my nose.
I told the monster in my closet that coming out of of there would make him gay, haha problem solved ....
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it`s like excuse me, I`m working here.
sex is like a joke, some get it some don`t.....
Have you ever just sat there and realized how weird you are?
I’m not getting old. I’m becoming a classic.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Objects in spandex are larger than they appear
My neighbors complained that I never mow my lawn. So I started mowing. The cops showed up at 3 a.m.. These neighbors are never happy...
I`m tired of people assuming I`ve got a good personality because I`m ugly.
If you have to guess what a commercial is selling, it`s always perfume.
"We`d be rich if you just said one f*cking word" - me, drunk, talking to my dog
Remember....... Its not drinking alone if you`re on Facebook ;)