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99% sure my soulmate is a piece of pizza.
Trying to figure out why I joined the gym when I have Photoshop.
My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I`d go to hell for.
If I were invisible I`d go beat up a street mime...the applause he would get would be incredible
I use profanity, the way Picasso used a paint brush
I don`t speak Spanish, but I`m pretty sure "Dora" means "annoying"
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
My wife went home to visit her mother today. Or as I refer to it. Her “bitch refresher course”.
Yes I admit I am a freak. Now, grab some whip cream, some feathers, handcuffs, blindfold, a whip and follow me into the kitchen.
If Facebook changed "poke" to "stab" I would use it all the time.
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I’ve done in my entire life.
Jogging backwards because I`m trying to gain a little weight
If you think my status updates are ridiculous you should see my life choices
I feel like I`ve passed my "Best If Used By date."
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll probably be like, “Hey, remember when you used to just give me fish?”