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I`ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don`t know karate.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I`m an adult. Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It`s because I`m poor.
Dear alcohol we had a deal where you were supposed to make me cool, sexy, charming and a great dancer........I seen a video......we need to talk.
If I ran my legs as much as I did my mouth, I`d be in fantastic shape.
If you can read this please let me know – because it means I blocked the wrong person.
How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
I have the rest of my life to be an adult.
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I’m making important life decisions.
Blue&Black or White&Gold? Who cares what color the dress is, so long as its balled up on the floor of my bedroom.
There’d be less accidents if there was a texting lane.
Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"
Woke up to my teen cleaning the house for "no reason" and now I have a mystery to solve.
The greatest fear is NOT fear itself. It’s dropping your phone in a port-a-potty!
Nothing says “friend zone” quite like a woman saying “you’re like a brother to me.” Unless you’re from Alabama.
I´m up way too early for someone who wasn´t planning on seizing the day.