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My New Years resolutions are just a list of mixed drinks I haven`t tried yet.
What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?
Welcome to journalism, where everything is made up, and the sources don`t matter.
Dad, I love how we don`t even have to say out loud that I`m your favorite. Happy Fathers Day!
that song on your iPod that you always skip but never delete.
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!”
The awkward moment when you’re not sure if something is your actual memory or if your brain made it up.
I don’t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.
How about a cooking show called "Cookin crap in the Microwave".
"You clean up nicely", is just a polite way of saying, "You usually look like sh!t."
True love is biting a slice of pizza when you`re fully aware that it will burn the roof of your mouth.
When you are a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since I last saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
I know you shouldn`t text and drive but I`ve only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay to drive.
I´m playing hide and seek with the kids right now and they´ll never find me, because they aren´t old enough to drive or get into this bar.
I trust Snapple facts more than CNN and Fox News.