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I think I`m gonna shave my legs so that there`s less wind resistance when I run to the fridge for a beer.
you need a license to drive, but anyone can have a kid.
Sticks and stones may break your bones. Also good: lead pipes.
I`m starting to think that life isn`t worth living anymore and... Oh wait, there`s the bartender now. Nevermind.
Just heard about the Obamacare deadline and I`m freaking out. I have so many questions. Who is Obama?
IM LOST! I`ve gone to look for my self. If u see me, tell me to wait here till I get back.
When I see people drinking at 11 am on a Friday I`m like, where do you work and are they hiring?
Know the rules well so you can break them effectively.
I had no plans on looking sexy today, but sh!t happens.
Someone`s gotta break it to people under 25 that cameras can also point away from themselves.
I stopped going to AA because all of their stories were about how they hit rock bottom by waking up next to me.
I want the job of placing pepperoni slices on frozen pizzas, because clearly whoever has it is now has problems.
Last night a movie theatre was robbed of $1000. The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, a combo meal, and a box of milk duds.
FYI, Target does not give prizes, no matter how many bullseyes you hit in the store with a paintball gun
Dear Ninja Turtles, Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one`s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.