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If I like you, I’ll let you hold the TV remote when we watch TV. If I love you, I won’t take the batteries out of it beforehand.
At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture.
Facebook taught me to mind everyone else`s business.
I may have just inadvertently accomplished something
If you`re a girl and you drink Vodka... there`s a high probability, I love you.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don`t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
I wish I was as fat as the first time I thought I was fat.
Government shutdown day 8: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Sarcasm is funnier when used on people who don`t understand it.
I don`t have to run faster than the lion. I just have to run faster than you.
I hope this snowstorm doesn`t impact my schedule of aimlessly wasting my day online.....
My thoughts should be ashamed of themselves.
Everyday I fall in love with you more and more. Except yesturday, yesturday you were pretty f*cking annoying.
I woke up early this morning with the strange desire to get up and exercise. Fortunately I rolled over and closed my eyes really tight and the feeling went away.
WebMD auto dialed an ambulance when I entered my chicken nugget intake.